Hunting in the Dark...!!!

Many a times in life we are faced with complicated circumstances wherein we are left to choose between two paths. Wherein there seems to be obscurity all around us and we are lagging in the race of time. Sometimes words cannot console us, emotional touch cannot cure us, nothing seems to be right or wrong, just complicated. I believe humans were always meant to be wild and hunt. We say we have become social over time but I disagree. 

We stopped hunting for food, but we have started hunting for other such things which are not easy to find unlike food. We hunt everyday, sometimes for satisfaction, other times for peace, many times for love and friendship and other times for many unnecessary material things. We still hunt...in the dark!!! And I remembered one of my older poems about the same...

Hunting in the dark…

Waves beneath, faltering wade through water insolent,

Time’s testing tougher than for what I was meant;

Still I can get fire on from a deficient spark

Bull’s eye, I can hit, even hunting in the dark.

In forest of emotions, searching for a few,

Oceans apart, needing a drop of dew;

Amongst those ruled by differences, hunting for the similar,

Before a tall house, thinking about the pillar

Before my dreams escape to fly high,

Nurturing them in the nest & then letting them to the sky;

Before sun comes out, everywhere light

Greeting stars and learning to live in night!

Sometimes hunting high, other times low

Sometimes in the unknown and others in places that I know;

Even as obscure demons block my way,

Intuitions empower me to guide myself thru’ the day.

Whenever life gets arrogant or enigmatic,

Dynamism I opt, not being static

Defeating and defying all my negatives

Gaining from mine, not blaming others prerogatives.

And when all that glittered was virtual gold,

I hunt for the real in life’s every fold

And for a little faith in every deceit

Even on trembling earth, mastering my own feet

When relations were a mere falsification of human emotions

And when sky blue was not reflected in watery oceans

Hunted for peace in nature, no more was I lonesome

God bestowed me with strength to face whatever may come

Chasing every dream, satiating each desire

Searching for cold amidst blazing fire

I hunted for all that did not come to me

To hunt & live, may be born were we.

                                                                 ...Saurabh

                                                                  [Written on 07 mar’03]      

Science of our own Self...the chemistry within!

One of the roles that I have enacted in my Life is of a Chemistry Teacher for my lovely kids. I don’t know how I faired as one but what I do know is I have always related the beautiful subject to our beautiful life. People say its tough to relate chemistry to Life but all we talk about in life is "Chemistry". Our chemistry with parents, siblings, friends, foes; chemistry with studies, school, then college; chemistry with girl friends, career, job; chemistry with happiness, pleasures of life, sorrow and finally everyone ends up thinking about chemistry with one self, when the time comes to divert the look from outside to the inside, a look deep within! And then we embark on a new journey, where we discover ourselves and our chemistry with nature, God whatever name we want to give the soul deep within.

Our Life begins just like the Universe did, of course I cant call it a Big Bang but a birth from within a Mother, a birth from a small foetus which is nothing but a highly compressed and ordered form of life. Our Mother goes through all the pains to give birth to us and like the initial explosion of the Universe born are we with scaled down explosion of course! (don’t start comparing your own size to that of the Universe)

So, our life begins with sudden conversion of order into disorder. The people who have studied second law of thermodynamics in secondary level Science would relate to this. The second law states "A natural spontaneous process is sudden and irreversible". So is our birth! I cannot go back to my origins, I have to look ahead. From this phase to every other phase in my life, everything that I have done spontaneously has been sudden and the effects generally irreversible.

We spent so much time and energy to convert the order inside us into the disorder outside, by whatever we do as humans through our karma and influence of our beliefs. Childhood is all about that innocent spontaneity which we still miss. As we grow up, just like the Universe, remember, we keep doing things, some of which can increase order around us, that is our surroundings, but most of the things spread disorder or as we say in Chemistry, they tend to increase the Entropy of the surroundings.

The toughest thing in life is to practice "self control" because it forces us to go against our nature. It binds us, it takes us back to our own self and it defies the law of spontaneity! Its so easy to blame others, to complain, to show emotions like anger, hatred….but why it isn't easy to introspect, to find our own faults and correct ourselves, to show true love, to have real faith in people, to be self composed and to be able to control our emotions…because its not natural. And to do anything which is not natural we need to grow and we need to search our own self now and then, again and again and to find the answers inside.

In my perception the purpose of life can be related to converting the disorder into order again, in whatever form we can, in whatever way we can contribute. Because only then we will find the real happiness, the real salvation. Only those people who will be able to go against the very law of nature, will be able to lead people to some purpose. Only those who will find their own faults and shortcomings instead of others' and correct them and convert the true thoughts into Karma will reach closer to the Supremo, God, as we know Him. For me, my God resides deep inside me and I want to put an effort to reach Him defying whatever laws I need to. I know its only a statement right now and I have miles to go, because I still behave naturally and many times lose my chemistry with myself, the reactions are not slow and reversible but are sudden and dangerous.

So, lets give this a thought because I firmly believe that many of my peers, my friends, my team members, my people, my students….whosoever is reading this must be in some or the other tangle of Life and according to me the solution lies within. The solution is "Disorder to Order…" not vice-versa…

                                                                                                                            (written on 24 Sept '10)

Still Heaven!!!

Well, just came back from an official tour. And remembered a phase of my life when I used to pondered a lot over the political and religious crisis the world faces. There are so many negatives if we look all around us. Be it the political stiffness between countries like India and Pakistan, growing economic disparities between nations, demon of terrorism lurking over us all the time and so many other things. If we ignore them we are trapped in personal and professional worries and spend our precious years on Earth just worrying about things. Its amazing how we forget to live happily and cherish the little good things around us.

When I talk about cherishing small joys I fear escapism sneaking in…According to me by enjoying small things we can be happy, if we are happy we will be hopeful…if we are hopeful we will think…if we think we can make our world a better place to live in instead of just worrying and complaining. But before I talk about changing  things by small acts I would like to talk about "Being hopeful..". I would like to tell myself everyday that the world I live in is still a great place to live. I don’t have to go to some heaven to attain happiness, the heaven is right here…

Speaking of Heaven I remember a small little peace of poem that I wrote in 2003…which was an attempt to re-instill hope in myself and everyone who goes through it...

                                                       "Still...heaven!"

Town I reside in, hasn't transited to be godforsaken,

Still to too-witta-woos of birds, I'm awaken;

Oft i find myself in smiles, unengulfed by melancholy,

Still can put forward the right foot, not a victim of my own folly.

Amidst the crowd, a teardrop still has a cost,

I can hear people cry on things lost;

Redeemed is the ugly hatred by love,

Where stars still twinkle in sky above.

In a dew filled morning, when chilled is my brow,

Poor little bird, lost her nest to snow;

But I live where this bird's hope is not gone,

She will build a new nest for a fresh dawn.

Her kisses still drive me to miracle,

When in trouble, love bestows a power to tackle;

Still can question my Lord on trembling fortune,

And find answers, He has still not become immune.

Mother's lullaby still makes her child sleep,

Child's agony and sorrow makes mother weep;

Still related to people, I'm knit in emotions,

Like the falling and rising tides in the blue oceans.

Wind can touch me and make me insane,

I can laugh on and enjoy even things inane;

Trees still greet the winds, rivers still flow,

In this wonderful world, happy I'm, where else would I go.

I can still dance in the pouring rain,

To the rythms of nature, as if, I'm born again;

Find peace, roaming in the green,

What, more than this, to me could mean.

A little while ago I thought of a bridge to heaven and go there,

But it's here on earth, not elsewhere,

So let me go mad all nights and day

Let me live, till I  go dull and feelings decay.

                                                                          -saurabh (on 07.01.2003)

An insatiable moment...

Well...some more older stuff...I wrote this in 2001, 9 years back...phew!!! Insatiability is an inherent tendency in all of us...its so tough to get satisfied with a passing moment, but we cherish those moments when we didn't judge anyone or anything, just lived it!!! 

"an insatiable moment..."

Like as the rivers make towards the ocean,

Every second of time hasten to its end;

Many dreams fade to disgruntlement in Life's swift motion,

And the present transits to past against thy intend.

Every next moment seems a new beginning with a mutation,

You feel something's lost in a nick of time, tasks went undone-

Mind searches a state without perturbation,

And it goes insane on finding none.

Restrain from dreaming, fear a risk,

Shun flying, past rendered a broken wing;

Arduous life leaves you slow when you want to be brisk,

When of a losing dynasty you seem to be the helpless King.

You want to win but think you'd flunk,

You seek love but feared a shattered heart-

You want to cross the sea but foresee your ship, sunk,

Anticipating ends you don't even start.

When you only see the setting sun and the night,

When you are entrapped in an unforgiving fire;

When you are left with no zing to fight,

You have lived an unsatisfied moment with an insatiable desire.

Obscure night would end, sun will rise to a new day,

Forget that moment; it was to divagate thee-

Break free from pessimism; adopt a new thinking way,

Dream, love and set your ship on every sea!

                                                                                         ...Saurabh

                                                                                                (2001)

Lets start with old memories!!!

I used to write a lot of poems from childhood. Wrote some till my IIT days as well. Before I get to writing some serious blog stuff I would just post an old personal favorite. In this poem I have just written about the fading hope, the fading glimpse of love, fading glimpse of friends, of nature...and how I try to catch the fading glimpses in my life...catch the Sun's last rays!!! 
So many times it so happens that just a glimpse of  a person, or a nature's element makes us feel so secure and comfortable...
Here it goes...(I took the pic from a tank in Patiala, one of my favorite locations)

Fading Glimpses...

Chirping of birds and sound of water descend,

Lost alone, far away in forests deep;

Ringing church bells and fading light,

Desperate for human's glimpse, I began to weep…

As I looked up, saw my amigo, diminished all pain,

As if the vicinity fearsome was majestic again.

Tide of full moon in the forlorn ocean,

Ship's deck beneath, wind through my hair;

Roguish waters and an unfamiliar loneliness,

Owing to the devilish clouds, moon no where…

Dying for the glimpse, it was moon night did lack,

But it came out and to cordiality, loneliness was back!

Amidst green prairies yet unardent nature,

The same blue sky, but capturing me in interrogation;

My amigos, birds, seem to be receding away-

And the laughing sun, leading me to suffocation.

Begging I stood for the glimpse of my love…

I closed my eyes, saw her, nature was like heavens above!

Nature so flawless, but errant are humans,

Same sound of temple bells, ambience the same-

The unchanged worshippers, but still unknown,

As if about to call me, but forgot my name.

Creator, the only one, but angry eyes, missing glimpse of belief…

Introspected, resurrected my heart, God mine, and relief!

Eclipsed night surrounding me and the devoid country roads,

In obscure silences, forbidden ears dying for a sound;

Shying stars, gaping clouds, fear of someone behind,

Searched for peace but only fear I found.

Suddenly a fading voice called from the side of stream…

And faded the fears, as if woke up from a haunted dream!

Adaptation seemed to be inevitable to survive,

But sometimes caught in dynamism I failed to adapt.

But keeping the veins wet were the glimpses

Somehow I smiled even after changes abrupt.

I'll run for horizon to catch sun's last ray…

And will survive until all glimpses fade away!

                                                                          ………..saurabh